lonely

Lauren has only been gone for a few hours, yet I miss her already.  I really get lonely when Im alone in bed at night.  I wish i could have her loving arms around me every night.  Maybe that why I go to columbus like 3 days a week?  heh.

I also have my psychologist appt tomorrow.  Hopefully that goes well.  Im a little nervous but I think my depression is slowly getting better. 

Suprisingly, I dont have much to do this week.  Heck, I anticipate being a bit bored.  I only have one job at the moment.  I might be getting a promotion at the beginning of september in the lab that i work in.  Ill be salaried (22,000 a year) with full medical, dental, and vision...and WSU will pay for up to 8 credit hours a quarter of graduate school.  Ill know if I get this job in a few weeks as well as find out if I got accepted into graduate school.

I graduate in august.  THIs quarter is going well.  I got a "B" in my social psychology class...and "A" in my independent research class...and so far I have an "A" in my organic chemistry lab.  This new cognition and learning class im taking sucks, but its easy. 

"I'm counting down the days until california comes"--the starting line.  August 15th im flying outta here.  woo hoo.

I want to go see lauren tonight or tomorrow.  I wish I had more money. 

Im really counting down the days until I live together with her.

song of the day:  "Los Angeles is Burning"--bad religion

yesterday with my lauren

So yesterday was a pretty good day.  Lauren was late to work :(  I made her a cd while she was away with some love songs on it.  I also made her bed and straightened up her room a bit.  She loved that.  We then went back to Easton mall so I could pay her sprint bill and of course I knew we would walk around looking at girl's clothes for a while.  Good times though.  I had an excellent chicken tender wrap and fries at the mall and an even better conversation with lauren about the wedding.  Once again, we went to starbucks.  I bought a caramel machiatto and lauren bought a slice of new york cheesecake that she fed to me.  My favorite!  She knows how to get to my heart.  heh. 

Later on that night, she followed me back to dayton.  We finished up some laundry, watched a few videos, played with my kitten....and called it a night.

We're getting formal picutres taken together next saturday.  WOO HOO!!!

I'm not going to get to see her for a few days this week...maybe not until saturday....which really stinks.  BUt ill get by.

This morning was wonderful.  She poured her heart out to me, assuring me that I have nothing to worry about when she leaves for France.  AS a matter of fact, we may be getting married earlier now (next fall).  That definetly makes me happy.  Im ready to spend my life with her. 

I definetly grew a whole lot closer to her over the weekend.  THanks sweetheart.

well im off to work at the virology lab and then head home to the parents house for the night.  THen i have to give blood in the morning....  phooey.

This weekend

Wow!  Where do I begin with this one?  Friday, Lauren and I drove up to the vans warped tour in cleveland.  I bought her ticket, paid for her food and drink,etc.  I could tell she didnt really want to go (she doesnt know many of the bands, hates large crowds, and loud music), but she knew it would make me happy.  I love her for that.  I had an amazing time.  I got to meet lars freidrickson (from rancid and the bastards) who was very nice.  He said rancid will be touring through ohio soon.  Bad religion is my favorite band and man are they incredible live.  They'll be coming back this fall according to greg gaffin the lead singer.  WOO HOO!  NOFX had an awesome politically charged set. 

Saturday, I went with lauren and two of her friends to upper sandusky to try on bride's maid dresses.  Lauren's friend cassie is getting married this january and lauren is in the wedding.  Since me and lauren are engaged, she tried on a few wedding dresses as well.  I didnt look at the wedding dresses (bad luck) but she looked absolutely BEAUTIFUL in her bride's maid dress.  I am marrying the prettiest girl in my world.  Once we got back to columbus, lauren had to go to work, so I took a nap for an hour.  My parents called and told me they were back from their vacation out west.  They drove all over the west just sight seeing.  GOd I missed them dearly.  When lauren got home, I took her out to eat at Don Pablo's then we went out to easton mall for a bit.  It was lovely.  The stars were out.  I was just holding my love.  I felt wonderful.  Lauren wanted to go look at wedding rings.  We picked out nice ones that we are going to go back and get.  Mine is simple, and hers is just a wrap for her engagement ring.  She then bought me a caramel machiato at starbucks (mmmmnnn).  shes knows how addicted to coffee I am. 

The night finished with me singing her to sleep back at her house.

what a great day.

anxiety takes over once again

Hey everyone, I thought its about time that I create one of these things.  There is so much going on in my life lately.  Graduating college, applying to graduate school, lauren (my fiancee) is leaving for france, my depression and anxiety problems,getting married,etc.    I don't even know where to begin.

My biggest worry right now is Lauren leaving for France.  August the 31st, she leaves Cincinnati, Ohio for Nantes, France.  I am terrified.  Lauren and I are virtually inseperable.  She is my sun, my moon, my reason for living.  There is no doubt in my mind that she is the one that I want to marry.  She asked me to marry her last december.  We have been dating for just under two years though but it is the closest I've ever been to someone.  She is my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my lover, my fiancee. 

In the past, Lauren admitted that prior to meeting me, she used to flirt excessively with guys to boost her self esteem.  When we first got together, she admitted to making out with a guy when we split up for about 3 days.  Last winter, she admitted to having feelings for a french guy at OSU(her school), but instantly realized that what she was about to do was wrong.  That she has the best boy in the world who loves her and takes care of her.  I did show a lot of respect for her fessing up because I know it isnt easy.  Its just hard for me.  I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and I worry quite a bit.  France has me terrified.  I hope she is safe.  I hope she doesnt fall in love with someone else.  I want her home and she hasnt even left  yet.

ON the flip side, right now is the closest we have ever been.  She has been pouring her little heart out, assuring me that she loves me.  We have talked about a wedding and have started doing early work planning it.  We have talked about having children and where we are going to live.  We are very serious. 

Im scared that my anxiety will get the best of me when she is away.  Im currently going to a psychologist for depression and generalized anxiety disorder which helps immensely.  Im worried about how im going to cope while shes away.  I dont have many friends at all let alone close friends.  Time is going to move so slow.

Im not ready for this.

more later...